Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Grudgingly I yield
The root of all my problems are me. Yes, me. I have an inbuilt affliction to yearn for something that is the utter opposite of what I currently have. Basking in the warmth of companionship, I absolutely crave for solitude, but when I am presented with such, I proceed to mope and emo all over the place, desperate for even the slightest bit of human contact.
This is my curse, to be completely dissatisfied with myself and my suroundings regardless of how perfect they may seem to the outside eye. And this is why I lose myself in movies or books, because only there can I find the perfect world, the perfect life, that I so crave for and hopeless dream to have.
And that is when I take pity on myself, this miserable existence on earth. Cursed to only be able to dream but possibly never to achieve. Bound by the conventions that society has deemed fit to shackle us with. I hate that. So many times Ive dreamt of ending it all, and these visualisations of mine scare me so much, because I see every detail of it so clearly. The sliding of the blade along the veins, and me enjoying my last cigarette as I drift off into the darkness. And so many times I find myself weeping because I lack the courage to do anything about it, be it to end it, or to move on.
So here I am, this pool of swamp water. Stagnant and stinking. Yes, this is my life, and Im bound by it.
This is my curse, to be completely dissatisfied with myself and my suroundings regardless of how perfect they may seem to the outside eye. And this is why I lose myself in movies or books, because only there can I find the perfect world, the perfect life, that I so crave for and hopeless dream to have.
And that is when I take pity on myself, this miserable existence on earth. Cursed to only be able to dream but possibly never to achieve. Bound by the conventions that society has deemed fit to shackle us with. I hate that. So many times Ive dreamt of ending it all, and these visualisations of mine scare me so much, because I see every detail of it so clearly. The sliding of the blade along the veins, and me enjoying my last cigarette as I drift off into the darkness. And so many times I find myself weeping because I lack the courage to do anything about it, be it to end it, or to move on.
So here I am, this pool of swamp water. Stagnant and stinking. Yes, this is my life, and Im bound by it.
# posted by spacemanjoe @ 05:23 
