Monday, June 27, 2005
Please Dont Poo Poo on My JuJu
In light of my current emotional and spiritual condition, there hasnt been a substantial breakthrough.Yes, i havent been doing my part. Yes, Im not interested in doing so. My complacency apparently has become my worse enemy.
My lack of drive and cbf point of view is really my undoing at this point of life. I have regressed aplenty. Regress anymore, and Ill be wearing diapers next. Yes, I do admonish myself occasionally. Occasionally meaning when Im in a state of stress due to rushing deadlines, which is really not often. My life even 6 months down the road is hazy. It hasnt always been like that, Im sure of it. What im unsure of is what Im going to do next. Does a soldier just brazenly rush into a fog of war or does he timidly go step by step, ever wary of his surroundings. I used to plan ahead, 5,6 years down the road. i used to be in control of my life or at least fool myself into thinking that I was in control. Now, Im just happy that I can control my own bowel movements.
Occasionally I wake up crying. And then I sit and mope around the house for the whole day. Feeling sad, feeling sorry for myself even though I have absolutely no idea why. I find myself wondering whether God really exists. And its worrying that my doubts are more tangible than ever. And the Devil, hes an opportunist fellow. Tricky lil cunt, that bugger. He whispers at every tear, every heartfelt sigh as Im lying down with the covers over my head. He whispers to me, "where is your God?". And in turn, i find myself replying "I dont know". Ive done many things in life that Im not proud off. But this sea of doubt tops the shitlist for me.
Dad says Ive changed. i was surprised to hear him say that, to be honest. Over the months, Ive become a master concealer. I learnt how to put on a happy mask despite the turbulent whirlpool of emotions rampaging beneath the calm surface. I learnt how to laugh even as my guts were twisted inside. I learn to show that I cared even when I didnt. Bluntly, I learnt to be a liar. I lied my way through the past months, breaking down only when i was in the safe confines of the four silent walls of my room. Somehow, I couldnt lie to my dad. I havent been close with him for ages, yet he could see underneath it all. I was pretty sure I gave a polished performance. Emotionless underneath, a cracked smile above. Courteous answers, the obligatory diss once in awhile. Maybe it was too polished. It broke my heart when dad confronted me. It literally did. I felt as if I had failed him, and failed myself in the process. The prodigal son hath returned. An empty shell.
Im not ready to go back to church. I feel ashamed. Ashamed for doubting the presence of God, but yet still doubting. I ask this question many times. Why cant God show himself to me? Why cant he come in a flaming pillar of fire? Why cant He appear to me just as He did to others? Just like the old times? Why am I the way I am now? Why this empty shell? Where is my soul? Cliche as it sounds, its bloody true. Thats how I feel these days. Empty. Everything around me is just a dull grey. Sometimes, I find something with just a slight tinge of color, and I hang on to it so dearly, never wanting to let it go for fear that Ill never be able to feel even the slightest touch of happiness/satisfaction again. Ahhh, this drab world around me. I wish I were in a Stabilo or Staedler advert right now. Color pencils, crayons, thats what I fucking need right now. Im a blank coloring book, now color, fool! And fucking stay within the lines.
What worries me most is what if this is just the beginning? what if this is just the beginning of a steady decline into oblivion. What if Ive already had the best I was destined to have? Now its all crappola from here on end? What if all I see now is grey? What if...
Its all abit too much to fit into this entry.My thoughts are as they have been for the past few months. Scattered. Continuity is a luxury for me these days. Till I feel like writing again...
# posted by spacemanjoe @ 13:40 
