I have steel wool where there should be brains

An old friend drove 50km to visit me yesterday. He and I, we're very much alike. Idealists, you'd call us. With our lofty dreams, and unbending principles, we had both fallen victim to the woes of reality. Both of us had emerged from the hole we'd landed in scathed, but all for the better. He'd taken a little longer to claw his way out of it, but I guess it's not how long you're in it, but how it has altered you when you're down there.

Amid countless drinks and cigarettes(all mine), we rehashed our memories of our life back in Melbourne when times were good and relatively simple. Our gatherings over coffee and cigarettes are etched fondly in my mind, where our talks were generally centred around the latest gossip or how nicotine patches don't work, or how we'd just performed in our latest assessments. I still laugh at the way it was customary for all of us to try to disuade anyone who'd try to make a run to class, only to sit down after 5 minutes of coaxing and plodding. I remember how we'd wave away anyone's claims of actually having made it to class that day as the victim would protest indignantly with that same old vexed and exasperated look on their face. I've played that part many times, and wouldn't hestitate to do it again, if only we could turn back time and do it all again.

I feel like I've let you down. I feel like I could've done better, could've helped you find the footholes that'd lead you out of the hole you were in, and I'd like to apologize for that. Things would be different now had I stood by you when it mattered the most and guided you out of the slump you were in. But I had my own demons to fight off, and I neglected my responsibility as your friend in your time of need.

I am grateful for this meetup. When we parted ways, it was too sudden. Chance would have it that I was back here while you were over there packing your bags. It just never felt right not saying goodbye and wishing you luck in your future endeavours. You and I both dropped out of our respective radars, and its stayed this way for almost 2 years. In these 2 years, I have finally found my peace. And I hope you will find yours soon.

Given my current state of mind, its no wonder that my antsiness is at a uncharacteristically high level. It's been awhile since I've last felt such a turbulent swirl of emotions raging inside of me. Discontent leads the pack, riding the whirlwind, hurling seven different shades of shit at me while rallying her vicious cohorts. Guilt not so gently prods me, constantly reminding me that shes here and that I indulge in what she has to offer. Dread sits on my shoulders, weighing me down with her visions of melancholy in the drudgery of life to come while Doubt plays a precocious game of what-if with me and she's winning by a longshot.

And thus, they ride on the carousel of my mind, going round and round while its grotesque animals turn to stare at me splayed against the centre of this beastly contraption. The lesser demons gather and chuckle amongst themselves, for with unity comes strength after all.

I stare in wide eyed terror, being carried round and around to revisit each horror. 1 last time, just 1 more, they say, lies of course. And all I can do is hold on to despair.